You don’t have to please anybody on your wedding day.

Yes, you can definitely have a fantastic wedding day with 240 guests without having their eyes on you all damn day.

You don’t want to be in the spotlight. You’re really big wedding. I understand that being the center of attention can be really uncomfortable. But you want to have all your friends and family you love there. I’m Nicole, a wedding officiant. So let me talk about some ideas for your ceremony.

Specifically, the spotlight’s not for everybody, and that’s okay. I completely sympathize with this. That’s why I’m a planner and handle all the behind the scenes. Let’s talk a little bit about how you can navigate your reception and be comfortable in that scene. 

Listen, if you don’t want a 250 person wedding, don’t have one.

Can we just talk about how everybody who is involved with the wedding thinks that it’s about them on a wedding day? We need to remember it is about you. It is not about mom or grandma or your neighbor or your coworker. I don’t care what any of them say about who needs to be invited. This is about you and your partner and it is okay to say I don’t want all of this. I just want something small and intimate.

That being said, we know that’s not always possible. Unfortunately, for whatever reason. So if you have to go through with the large wedding that you don’t want, I’m going to recommend a couple of things.

Number one, hire a vendor team that’s not afraid to advocate for you. People who are going to speak up, who can help learn what your boundaries are and keep them in place. I love doing that for my couples. I am okay with being a bad guy on the day. We can hold those walls up so you are comfortable.

But I really recommend sprinkling in little private moments for you and your partner throughout the wedding day. I’ve seen couples do private vows, so instead of the big ceremony, have a private ceremony. Private vows for just you and your partner that lets you really slow down, be present, be in the moment with them without feeling the pressure and the anxiety that comes with it with 250 eyes on you. I’ve also seen first dances done this way. You can invite, if you want, your immediate family or your wedding party to come view that first chance. Or it can just be you and your partner and that moment. You don’t have to please anybody on your wedding day. So find those little moments that you can make it just about you.

First thing you have to remember is that the only thing that actually has to happen on your wedding day is some paperwork needs to get signed and you need to be pronounced married. So go through the list of all the things you think your wedding day needs. Anything that makes you feel like it would be the most terrible thing in the world and get rid of it.

Maybe don’t want to do a couples or a parent stand. Definitely want to do a cake cutting, just like get rid of it. And if it makes you know a mom and dad’s feelings hurt a little, then replace it with something else. Maybe you have a special day with them ahead of the event. Or you have a private dance just one by one.

Remove anything that doesn’t feel good to you. And then what do you add back in? That’s where the fun part comes in. Make your wedding an event for your guests. Make them feel like they’re immersed in something. Have performers that take the stage and the attention away from you. Whatever your thing is to entertain your guests, how can you make them feel like royalty. So you weren’t the only person looking fabulous in a dress up the dress code a little bit. Tell them to pretend they’re coming to the Grammys. Give them a red carpet entrance. As an officiant, I get this a lot from my couples saying things like, I hate being in front of people to their ceremony is like their biggest fear when it comes to their wedding.

There’s ways to get over that, too. One, keep it short. I would say 20 minutes is your perfect amount of time for your photographer to get as many shots as they need, but to keep it short enough for you and then to to to make the verbiage more about your guests, have them remind them what it feels like to be in love, to think about ideas, rather than putting all the attention on you.

Think about incorporating other people, you know, Invite someone to do a reading, invite someone to do a performance, whatever would feel really good to you. Incorporate that so that you don’t feel like you’re sweating and hating the most important day of your life.

Who’s your favorite person? Is it your spouse to be? Walk down the aisle with them, Make it as comfortable as possible for you. If you’d like your parents to still stand up and have recognition when you get to the end of the aisle simply have them stand up with you. Your officiant can still ask the question who presents this person to be what today?

If you want second option for your vows, if you want to write your own vows to each other, but yet you don’t want to be on a microphone sharing them with each other during the ceremony, step back behind your officiant. Your officiant is going to get out of the way and stand to the side. You will be off mic, so you still get that ambiance of sharing your vows with each other. You work so hard to write during the ceremony without having to be on a microphone and tell the whole entire guest list how you feel about each other.

And then second, hire a great officiant who will lead the ceremony in a way that you can truly feel relaxed. They’re going to do all the speaking for you. Limit your vows maybe to an I do your ring exchange can also just be simply the officiant talking. You can limit those pieces to make it as comfortable as you can for yourselves.